Knowing what to say and when to say it is part of being a woman.
Sometimes, total honesty puts a woman in a bad light or endangers her
matrimonial integrity. That’s why wives have to pad the truth or tell
their hubbies what they want to hear once in a while. It doesn’t make
them liars really, just wise wives.
Check out these ones and what your wife truly means when she uses them.
Your mother is my mother
Ah, in your dreams. In her dreams, she probably has killed your
mother many times. You don’t even want to know how the number of times
she has bought rat poison to serve along with mama’s dessert. Why do you
think the air conditioner in mama’s room is the coldest in the house?
It’s just her upbringing and what the pastor would say that is keeping
her from becoming a murderer. For as long as mama continues to check her
pot of soup and act the self-appointed BoT Chairman of your marriage, I
cannot guarantee her safety.
I love you just the way you are
Lose that beer gut and stop snoring and we can review that
statement. Compare your flat tummy and taut muscles when you got married
to that 25kg belly you are lugging around. Yeah, you have made money
and so call all the shots in your home, your extra luggage is only being
tolerated. And it is your snoring that she is talking about when you
hear her pray against ‘noisome pestilence’ during morning devotion.
Then, when she caresses your ever growing midriff, don’t smile, she is
just checking to see if there has been a reduction since the last time
she checked. As we speak, she is doing research on WebMD for tips on
‘how to deliver your pregnant husband’ and ‘ herbal remedies for
snoring.’
It’s okay if you don’t want any more children
Whaaat? She most likely had her IUCD removed yesterday and
considering you do not use umbrella or raincoat, it will soon be raining
twins in your home . Unless and until you have nicely and totally
convinced your wife that Junior and Mimi are all the kids you need, do
not take anything for granted. Only an unwise man believes he can order
a woman to stop making babies. Very laughable. Imagine this: darling, I
do not want any more children and I hereby forbid you to get pregnant.
If you dare me, you will be sorry. Ah, I’m laughing again. Totally
unsmart. See, when you vigorously and religiously drop your seeds in her
incubator and she receives them with a smile, there is bound to be
consequences and repercussion . Simple logic. And when she gets
pregnant, the only person who will be sorry is you, trust me, because
you cannot use a pestle to remove the seed you sowed with such dutiful
effectiveness. In other words, you cannot hang your boots without your
wife’s consent.
If you take a new wife, it’s your headache and I don’t care
Hmmm, it’s your headache, all right but she cares. That’s just
talk and I can assure you of a severe case of migraine, not just
headache. Both the new wife and the old one will join hands to make your
life a perfect misery. No woman, no matter how generous, really wants
to share her man and all there is to him. That she pretends not to
notice that you are holed up in a five-star hotel all weekend with your
latest babe after you told her you were going to Abuja does mean she
doesn’t care. She just doesn’t want a confrontation and anyway, you
always return home to her after every match. But a second wife is a
whole new level. She will fight you with everything she’s got and
redefine terrorism. That C of O she obtained on your wedding day is not
what can be divided. So, unless you are ready for multiple explosions,
don’t believe that lie, otherwise, your home will become Sambisa forest.
I lost my virginity at 25 and I had only two boyfriends before I met you
Ah, do you really want to know? Reminds me of the lyrics of
‘Tonight’ by Betty Wright. Some have to think back a little bit farther
than others about the first night but how many women will tell husbands
the truth about that night. Unless it’s the husband who cut the tape
himself. She probably was ‘sworn in’ at 15 and backdated it. But then
there is no way husbands can verify such historic occasions, just shrug
off the confession. It is 90% untrue anyway. As for the list of your
predecessors, it can never be long because every woman keeps the short
list. You don’t expect her to tell you everything, including the affair
with the boss, NYSC camp commandant, the night she got drunk, the
handsome hunk she did just for fun or the celebrity she dated for
kicks…. No, you get to hear the edited version, thank you.
The Bensons’ party is next week but you don’t have to buy the aso-ebi
Ah ah ah. That is subtle blackmail if I ever heard one. She
expects you to do the ‘needful’. That unnecessary reminder is to put a
picture in your mind of your wife as the only one in a crowd without the
‘uniform’. Just provide the funds and save yourself the grief of
further reminders. Because if she buys it with her own money, you will
never hear the last of it.
ALL LIES